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2008 has been a pretty decent year. Nothing super horrific happened. No massive hurricanes made landfall, the economy's booming, we're no longer at war, and Richard Gere stopped making movies.

Hey, good morning everyone! I slept pretty well, but I had the weirdest dream! It was so delightful!

Let's face it, 2008 was mediocre at best. Sure, we're giving ol' Dubya the heave-ho, but I'm willing to bet if we didn't have term limits, America would prove its awesomeness once again. Anyhoo, anybody who's anybody on the world wide interwebs makes some sort of "Best [number] [thing] of [year]" post and then it gets linked on Digg or something equally as notmatteringly. So here's my take on that since I'm one of those wacky bloggers.

• Our new Presidential Messiah, Barack HUSSEIN Obama, will deliver several eloquent speeches about change and hope and moving forward. After one particular speech in early February he'll emerge from the White House and see his shadow, unfortunately signifying six more weeks of winter.


• With the economy continuing on a down-turn and retail prices increasing, the penny will be discontinued because of its lack of usefulness. It will be replaced by the halfy, which will equal roughly one half cent.


• After all of the cell phone company mergers leave only 4 major providers, two final mergers will occur, merging Sprint-Nextel with Alltel/Verizon and AT&T with T-mobile. After the mergers, the two remaining cell phone providers — AT&T-mobile and Sprizon-Nexteltel — will begin what will be known to future historians as the 5-Years Cell War that will ultimately result in the loss of over 11,000 American lives and still only one bar when inside your house.


• Because of his diligent research, French chemist Jean Paralet will win the Nobel Prize for his discovery that Zingers, while delicious and chocolatey, will solve the world's energy crisis due to their high energy producing compounds.


• After the initial circulation of the halfy, vending machine companies petition the Treasury Department to recall the halfy as they must now empty their machines nearly 11 times as often.


• Not to be outdone by the Detroit Lions, the New Orleans Saints will go out with an 0-20 season, having lost all pre-season games in addition to all regular season games. Drew Brees, however, will break the single-season passing record, causing Dan Marino to incessantly claim that the laces were in.


• Speaking of New Orleans, the government of Hershey, Pennsylvania will sue Mayor Ray Nagin of New Orleans for trademark infringements for continually referring to New Orleans as the "Chocolate City" when Hershey is clearly the true Chocolate City. A judge will then order Nagin to refer to New Orleans by a more fitting moniker such as "Gumbo City," "Deep Fried City," or "South Detroit."


• After major outcry by film fanatics, Will Smith opts to not use his son in his upcoming reboot of the Karate Kid franchise. Instead, Smith will enlist the acting of, you guessed it, Frank Stallone.


• "Musician" Kanye West will hold a press conference, consisting of members of the national media as well as the entertainment world, where he will announce that he "messed up" and he is "actually the voice of this generation of THIS decade, not the previous one." Of course, the press will not be able to understand what he was saying as he left his Autotuner on during the conference.


• Not content on having only invented the Internet and global warming, Al Gore invents "Heatr," a Web 2.0 web app allows you to input your current body temperature not only on the website, but also via an iPhone app or text message. Heatr will then calculate how much the global temperature will drop if all of its users were no longer alive.


• My ability to be funny at the end of the year will only be marginally better than at the end of 2008.

My apologies to Detroit. I did not intend to make two jokes at your expense.

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