geoffrey gauchet

How to Become an Award-Winning Tweeter

Being an award-winning tweeter is like winning the Angola Prison Rodeo. Sure, you're really good at riding a bull, but you still murdered your family
-- Geoffrey Gauchet

Hi! @animatedGeoff here! As your officially selected Best Male (twitter account), I figured it was my duty (not doody lol) to teach you guys (that's Rest of the Country for "y'all") how to write an award-winning tweet.

Now, hold on! I know you just want to take to your Macbook at whatever local coffee shop with the almond milk on nitro or whatever and just start tweeting away, but you would be wrong. Like really fucking wrong.

Think About Topical Things

Jokes that do well are usually about something happening in the news right now. Read the newspaper (lol) or go to Google News and see if there's something that could be funny in 140 characters

Consider Hashtag Hijacking

If a brand is using a dumb hashtag to promote their product, use it ironically. You'll show up for anyone looking at that hashtag AND you'll be practically handed some material! Also consider using trending topics. For instance, right now "#ThingsYouTubersSay" is trending. Try acting like you don't get the hashtag and make a joke about potatoes yelling "Who're you calling 'You Tubers'?!" It's funny because potatoes can't talk and also because you're being edgy by referencing a phrase white people appropriated from black people in the name of comedy!

Read your Twitter feed

Chances are someone you follow said something really funny, or, retweeted someone who did! Use this tweet as a template. If you call it a template, it's not thievery! Use an online thesaurus and use a synonym for one or two words in the tweet so it's harder to find in a search.

Do Late Night Twitter

Late Night Twitter is a little more risque because there are fewer people online late at night. Try staying awake for 48-96 hours and let the ants living in your feet inspire some great tweets.

Look to Everyday Objects for Inspiration

For instance, a handle of scotch.

Start a Feud

People love a good fight and some of the most EPIC fights happen on Twitter. Pick a fight with a cop and live tweet it.

Make Fun of Things People Like

A lot of people are huge fans of things in popular culture and their favorite fictional characters are practically sacred to them. Maybe poke a little fun at a popular fictional character like Doctor Who or God.

Buy a Roomba

Sometimes as a last resort you have to get drunk and spend $300 on a thing you don't really need just for a joke.

Make a Meme

A great way to gain followers is to make an image meme. It's pretty easy: find a picture online that loosely relates to the tweet, and then copy and paste someone else's tweet on top of it! Remember: since you made the image, this is original content you made.

Volunteer to Run the @BeingNOLA account and exploit it for personal gain

The title says it all here, folks, but the easiest way to win an award is to run an account that already has thousands of followers and ride the coattails of those before you, like Damon Wayans Jr. 

Never Log Out of the @BeingNOLA Account

Hang on to those OAuth tokens, kids! Maybe one day you'll get really drunk and become LEGENDAR -- wait for it -- Y!

So there you go, folks! It's pretty easy. Just remember to have fun, "star" and "retweet" popular accounts, "follow" and "unfollow" repeatedly some popular accounts to get their attention, and "share" this article!

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